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Twelve Tech Days of Christmas

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From:	INTERNET:pryals7(--nospam--at)home.com, INTERNET:pryals7(--nospam--at)home.com
TO:	Russ Zimmerman, INTERNET:Russell.Zimmerman(--nospam--at)med.ge.com
	Roy Ryals, INTERNET:Roy2670(--nospam--at)aol.com
	Paula Andrews, INTERNET:paulaa(--nospam--at)iaccess.com.au
	Lyn Ogburn, INTERNET:lyn(--nospam--at)junct.com
	Danna Ransier, INTERNET:dannar(--nospam--at)ibm.net
	Carla Doty, INTERNET:alinrinc(--nospam--at)airmail.net
	Belinda Boyles, INTERNET:belinda1(--nospam--at)ix.netcom.com
	"Kate O'Brien", wildwoman1
DATE:	12/6/97 12:32 AM

RE:	Twelve Tech Days of Christmas

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Subject: Twelve Tech Days of Christmas
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We present, in the spirit of Christmas, the Solstice and Secular
Humanism a new standard to be loved for the ages......

         The 12 Days of Technology Before Christmas/Solstice

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)

On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB
database!)

On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything) Two
transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)

On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and
over) Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial
things?) Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones
they are?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a
pointer error?)

On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than silver!) Four
support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold? Three
French users (No, we don't have foot pedals on PC's. Why do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know
which ones to fix!) And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next
week? Are you nuts?!?!)

On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!) Five golden
SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!") Four support calls
(No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR? Damn!) Three French users
(No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen...) Two
transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're in the
ceiling!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this was
written?)

On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Seven license failures (Expired? When?) Six games a-playing (Please stop
tying up the PBX to talk to each other!) Five golden SCSI contacts (What
do you mean I need "wide" SCSI?) Four support calls (At least the Muzak
is different this time...) Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there
really isn't an "any" key, but...) Two transceiver failures (SQE?  What
is that? If I knew I would set it myself!) And a database with a broken
b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars - NOW!)

On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:



Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security violation!)
Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?) Six games
a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?) Five
golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be fast, isn't it?)
Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer me back -
DAMN!) Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to end
a
program) Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling
transceiver"?) And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak
English in Oslo?)

On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the servers?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?) Seven license
failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!) Six games a-playing (HOW
many people are doing this to the network?) Five golden SCSI contacts
(What do you mean two have the same ID?) Four support calls (No, I am
not at the console - I tried that already.) Three French users (No, only
one floppy fits at a time? Why do you ask?) Two transceiver failures
(Spare? What spare?) And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am
trying to find Lars!  L-A-R-S!)

On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?) Nine lady
executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens room? Why?) Eight
MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow Internet here!)
Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?) Six games
a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator for Lotus! )  Five
golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?) Four support calls
(No, I never needed an account number before...) Three French users
(When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head crash!) Two transceiver
failures (Power connection? What power connection?) And a database with
a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?) Ten SNMP alerts
flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an extension?) Nine lady
executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?) 
Eight
MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)  Seven
license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!?!) Six
games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!) Five golden SCSI contacts
(If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn't be calling!) Four support calls
(Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!) Three French
users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet again!) Two transceiver
failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?) And a database
with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be two!)
Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like XMas
lights.) Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics
before backups?) Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect
during business hours.) Seven license failures (We're all going to jail,
I just know it.) Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)  Five
golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't even boot!)  Four
support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end up with you!)
Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude screen
backgrounds!) Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token
ring...) And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo,
Norway.  We were just talking and were cut off...)