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Sex Scandal Rocks Firmament

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DATE:	2/4/98 6:37 PM

RE:	Sex Scandal Rocks Firmament

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My brother sent me this
  Put this in your Monica Lewinsky file.....

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an
affair with a former worshipper.  The scandal was begun when a 21 year old
woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.  Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly
talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have
had his child."  

 In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that
"No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come
out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed
a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God
had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men".  Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in
the affair.  Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that
God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political
opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of
the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal
involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County
to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political
 If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.

 Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series
of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses.  Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for
the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to
fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction
on free speech.