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Fwd: FW: Some New Laywer Lines

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And now from the judges............
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  • To: kiumakahik(--nospam--at)aol.com
  • Subject: Fwd: FW: Some New Laywer Lines
  • From: rosie(--nospam--at)hargray.com (Mary W. Howell)
  • Date: Sat, 21 Mar 1998 14:55:50 -0500 (EST)
  • Date-warning: Date header was inserted by InfoAve.Net
In a message dated 98-03-21 14:56:00 EST, rosie(--nospam--at)hargray.com writes:

<< >Subject:	Some New Laywer Lines
 >
 > The following are actual statements made during court cases.  This is
 > a great collection of comments made (truly) in court rooms...
 > ----------
 > Judge: I know you, don't I?
 > Defendant: Uh, yes.
 > Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
 > Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
 > Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
 > Defendant: Okay.  I was your bookie.
 >  ----------
 > Fom a defendant representing himself...
 > Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
 > Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly.  You are the one who stole my purse.
 > Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.
 > ----------
 > Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the
 >             defendant?
 > Defendant:  No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
 >  ----------
 > Lawyer: How do you feel about defence attorneys?
 > Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
 > Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
 > Juror: That's not true.  I think prosecutors should be drowned at
 > birth,  too.
 > ----------
 > Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
 > Plaintiff's Lawyer:  What doctor treated you for the injuries you
 > sustained while at work?
 > Plaintiff:  Dr. J.
 > Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
 > Plaintiff:  Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a
 >                good plaintiff's doctor.
 > ----------
 > Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
 > Juror:  I don't want to be away from my job that long.
 > Judge:  Can't they do without you at work?
 > Juror:  Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
 >  ----------
 > Lawyer:  Tell us about the fight.
 > Witness: I didn't see no fight.
 > Lawyer:  Well, tell us what you did see.
 > Witness:  I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
 >                 swung around and changed partners, they would slap each
 >other, and one fellow hit  harder than the other one liked, and
 >so the other one hit back and  somebody pulled a knife and
 >someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up
 >with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was
 >filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
 >Lawyer:  You, too, were shot in the fracas?
 > Witness:  No, sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the  navel.
 >----------
 > Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
 > Judge:  And why is that?
 > Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
 > Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
 >defendant's motion?
 > Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor.  I wasn't listening.
 >  ----------
 > Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
 > Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
 > Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? 
 > Defendant:  Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
 > name. Not a damn thing.
 > ----------
 >Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.  Have you anything
 >             to say in your defense?
 > Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
 > ----------
 > Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address
 > the court?
 > Judge: Of course.
 >Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
 >>Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days  in
 >              jail.
 > Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
 > Judge: I can't do anything about that.  There's no law against  thinking.
 > Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
 > >>

--- Begin Message ---
  • To: kiumakahik(--nospam--at)aol.com
  • Subject: Fwd: FW: Some New Laywer Lines
  • From: rosie(--nospam--at)hargray.com (Mary W. Howell)
  • Date: Sat, 21 Mar 1998 14:55:50 -0500 (EST)
  • Date-warning: Date header was inserted by InfoAve.Net
>Return-path: <Leeleei(--nospam--at)aol.com>
>Date: Tue, 17 Mar 1998 17:37:31 -0500 (EST)
>From: Leeleei <Leeleei(--nospam--at)aol.com>
>Subject: Fwd: FW: Some New Laywer Lines
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>Subject: FW: Some New Laywer Lines
>Date: Tue, 17 Mar 1998 09:34:20 -0500
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>-----Original Message-----
>From:	Dean Ellis [SMTP:ellisde(--nospam--at)hlthsrc.com]
>Sent:	Monday, March 16, 1998 2:57 PM
>To:	pingram294(--nospam--at)aol.com; wellis(--nospam--at)bristolhotels.com; lvarn(--nospam--at)ghsms.ghs.org;
>jim.quinn(--nospam--at)marriott.com; brad.ellis(--nospam--at)mortgagesvcs.com; davis_okeeffe(--nospam--at)msn.com;
>deanwendy(--nospam--at)msn.com; pam.fischette(--nospam--at)sc.columbia.net
>Subject:	Some New Laywer Lines
>
> The following are actual statements made during court cases.  This is
> a great collection of comments made (truly) in court rooms...
> ----------
> Judge: I know you, don't I?
> Defendant: Uh, yes.
> Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
> Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
> Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
> Defendant: Okay.  I was your bookie.
>  ----------
> Fom a defendant representing himself...
> Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
> Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly.  You are the one who stole my purse.
> Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.
> ----------
> Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the
>             defendant?
> Defendant:  No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
>  ----------
> Lawyer: How do you feel about defence attorneys?
> Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
> Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
> Juror: That's not true.  I think prosecutors should be drowned at
> birth,  too.
> ----------
> Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
> Plaintiff's Lawyer:  What doctor treated you for the injuries you
> sustained while at work?
> Plaintiff:  Dr. J.
> Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
> Plaintiff:  Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a
>                good plaintiff's doctor.
> ----------
> Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
> Juror:  I don't want to be away from my job that long.
> Judge:  Can't they do without you at work?
> Juror:  Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
>  ----------
> Lawyer:  Tell us about the fight.
> Witness: I didn't see no fight.
> Lawyer:  Well, tell us what you did see.
> Witness:  I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
>                 swung around and changed partners, they would slap each
>other, and one fellow hit  harder than the other one liked, and
>so the other one hit back and  somebody pulled a knife and
>someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up
>with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was
>filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
>Lawyer:  You, too, were shot in the fracas?
> Witness:  No, sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the  navel.
>----------
> Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
> Judge:  And why is that?
> Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
> Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
>defendant's motion?
> Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor.  I wasn't listening.
>  ----------
> Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
> Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
> Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for? 
> Defendant:  Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
> name. Not a damn thing.
> ----------
>Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.  Have you anything
>             to say in your defense?
> Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
> ----------
> Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address
> the court?
> Judge: Of course.
>Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
>>Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days  in
>              jail.
> Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
> Judge: I can't do anything about that.  There's no law against  thinking.
> Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
>
>
>
>                                            
>
>


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