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DATE:	4/14/98 9:51 PM

RE:	Two tales

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 My Prayer    (author unknown)
 Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at
7:41:23 am e.s.t.
 God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hyper
 God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're
usually NOT my fault.
 God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please
feel free to ASK me!
 Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
 God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and
 God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!
 Lord help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
 God, help me to finish everything I sta
 God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird -- ing
 at a time.
 God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you
mind putting that in writing?
 Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.
 Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
 Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll
settle for a few minutes.
 Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

 A Modern Noah's Ark
 And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain
until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are
destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of
living thing on the planet.
 I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord.  And in a flash of
 lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
 "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
 "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my
Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
 And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was  sitting in his front yard, weeping.
 And there was no Ark.
 "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into
the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
 "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah.  "I did my best. But there were big
problems.  First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet Code.  So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating
zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission.  "Then I had a big problem getting enough wood
for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
I had to convince U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the
 But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So no owls.
 Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick
up a saw or a hammer.  Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still
no owls.
 "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when I got the
suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.  They didn't
take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a
Supreme Being.  The  Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plain.  I sent them a globe.
 "Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS
has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving
the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of
use tax.
 "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,"
Noah wailed.
 The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky.  Noah looked up and smiled.
 "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?"  Noah asked, hopefully.
 "Wrong!" thundered the Lord.  "But being Lord of the Universe has it's
advantages.  I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse
than a Flood.  Something Man invented himself." "What's that?"  asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke his Last Word.