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[Humor] Windows 98

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Forwarded by 
K. Hemmatyar, P. Eng. (structural)

Original message by

A Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the lates=
version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before
using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions
carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited

Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent
increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not foun=
in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there
were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (no=
in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother
handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide=
and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important,
Windows 98 (C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft
products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software

Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you ma=
have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers you th=
freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one
produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a
smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the
Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is
easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and
select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click
"yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just
keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the
entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the
browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the
screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed
with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers,
simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will
automatically be re-installed--permanently.

Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000"
computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as =
two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900.
Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number
and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system
until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year =
four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal
calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, know=
as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months
called "Bill" and "Melissa."

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only
takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our
customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provid=
whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina
scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already
designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible=
We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your
software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded
instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is
closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly,
and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice
Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your
hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want softwa=
designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).

Satirist Tom is waiting for his computer to boot up.