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HUMOR: microsoft humor

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I'd like to throw a little fat on the fire, and submit this in the hope
that it just might cause a smile to cross someone's face, and failing that,
perhaps an OS jihad...


>>                         WELCOME TO WINDOWS '98
>>                           - Submitted by A. K. Jos
>>                  ------------------------------------
>> HAVE YOU UPGRADED YET TO WINDOWS '98??????????????
>> If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page
>> Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c),
>> the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating
>> system from Microsoft.
>> A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
>> instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of
>> the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant
>> technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating
>> system, Windows 95 (c).
>> You'll notice immediately that
>>   * "98" is a higher number than "95,"
>>   * a better than 3 percent increase.
>> But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in
>> Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if
>> there are any of course).
>> Among the improvements: faster storing and
>> retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and
>> back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and
>> pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
>> weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important,
>> Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing
>> Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another
>> company's software again.
>> Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of
>> Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And
>> despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of
>> Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the
>> Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by
>> the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a
>> smaller company that will either go out of business or become part
>> of the Microsoft family.
>> Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft
>> Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the
>> "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box
>> will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked
>> several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages
>> ; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will
>> enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is
>> being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse
>> on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any
>> time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed
>> and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap
>> the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be
>> re-installed- permanently.
>> Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
>> 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store
>> the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will
>> mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the
>> problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory,
>> you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the
>> year 10000.
>> However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits
>> has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal
>> calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single
>> day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by
>> two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the
>> time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few
>> minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our
>> customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
>> information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number,
>> bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be
>> shared with any outside company not already designated as a
>> Microsoft DataShare partner.
>> We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free
>> as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any
>> problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline
>> and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open
>> every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
>> If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
>> perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded
>> to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to
>> the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that
>> American consumers want software designed by companies that
>> are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
>> Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).v