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Re: Building department Blues

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And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to
make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the
evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two
of every living thing on the planet. You are commanded to build an
Ark." And in a flash of lightening, He delivered the specifications
for the Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, nervously fumbling with the blueprints. "Six
month and it starts to rain," directed the Lord. "Please have the
Ark completed or all will be swimming for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. And there
was no Ark.

"Noah," said the Lord. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction process, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got in a big fight over
whether the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the
City Planning Commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood
for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the
spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Commission
that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me
catch the owls, so, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen
carpenters going on the boat, but no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals and got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement
on your proposed flood plan. They didn't take kindly to the idea that
they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I'm trying to resolve a
complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how
many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got notice from the
about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish
the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not
going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord

The government apparently has already done that."

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