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A new work policy which I recently received.

Jim Cohen


I am pleased to announce that, effective today, the following will be


We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned.  As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.  We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers.  Every effort should be made to have non
employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room.  In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those
whose name begins with "A" will go from 8:00 to
8:10, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so
on.  If  you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your  time comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker.  Both employees' supervisors
must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,  and the stall door
will open.

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks:

Gross pay                $1,222.02
Income tax                  $244.40
Outgo tax                       $45.21
State tax                        $11.61
Interstate tax                $61.10
County tax                       $6.11
City tax                           $12.22
Rural tax                         $4.44
Back tax                          $1.11
Front tax                          $1.16
Side tax                           $1.61
Up tax                              $2.22
Tic-tacs                           $1.98
Thumbtacks                   $3.93
Carpet tacks                   $0.98
Stadium tax                   $0.69
Flat tax                         $8.32
Surtax                           $3.46
Corporate tax                 $2.60
Parking fee                     $5.00
FICA                             $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund                   $9.95
Life insurance                 $5.85
Health insurance            $16.23
Dental insurance             $4.50
Mental insurance             $4.33
Reassurance                     $0.11
Disability                        $2.50
Ability                            $0.25
Liability                          $3.41
Unreliability                 $10.99
Coffee                           $6.85
Coffee cups                  $66.51
Floor rental                  $16.85
Chair rental                   $0.32
Desk rental                    $4.32
Union dues                     $5.85
Union don'ts                   $3.77
Cash advance                  $0.69
Cash retreats               $121.35
Overtime                          $1.26
Under time                    $54.83
Eastern time                    $9.00
Central time                     $8.00
Mountain time                  $7.00
Pacific time                     $6.00
Time out                         $12.21
Oxygen                          $10.02
Water                            $16.54
Heat                              $51.42
Cool air                          $26.83
Hot air                           $20.00
Miscellaneous               $194.13
Sundry                           $12.09
Various                             $8.01
Net Take Home Pay           $0.02

Thank you for loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive
employment experience.  All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should be directed