Need a book? Engineering books recommendations...

Return to index: [Subject] [Thread] [Date] [Author]

WARNING: Off-Topic, Non-Structural, Non-Partisan, Political HUMO R !!

[Subject Prev][Subject Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next]
If you don't appreciate occasional off-topic humor, HIT your DELETE key NOW!

For those of you who were so busy sizing nails in plywood shearwalls that
you didn't have time to watch the Presidential debates, here's a quick


Jim Lehrer:  Welcome to this presidential debate between Vice President Al
Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.  The candidates have agreed on these rules:  I
will ask a question.  The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.  The
opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior
citizens into voting for him.  When a speaker's time has expired, I will
whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for
three more minutes.  Let's start with the vice president.  Mr. Gore, can you
give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story
in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore:  As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.  My opponent wants to cut
taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.  I, on the other hand, want to
put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old
people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.  Mrs. Frampinhamper
has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she
can travel to these debates and personify
problems for me.  Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer:  Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush:  Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists.  I want
to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my
opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer:  Let's turn to foreign affairs.  Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
pronounce his name?

Bush:  The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
didn't get it done.  If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that
guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies.  And then Dick would present
me several options for dealing with that guy.  And then Dick would tell me
which one to choose.  You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer:  Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore:  Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.  I
served my country in Vietnam.  I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas
in World War I.  I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War.  And when
that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in away that
any undecided woman voter would find romantic.  If I'm entrusted with the
office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign
or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox.  Because the American
people deserve a president
who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer:  Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security

Gore:  It's a vital issue, Jim.  That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to
every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single
penny until the year 2250.  In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over
the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs
delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will
also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer:  Gov. Bush?

Bush:  That's fuzzy math.  I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to
do math every day.  I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'mgoing
to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the
sheep barn at the Texas State Fair.

Lehrer:  It's time for closing statements.

Gore:  I'm my own man, or whatever man you want me to be.  I may not be the
most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of
America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital
love for Tipper and me.

Bush:  It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past, by electing no
one but Republicans.

Lehrer:  Good night.