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Old Guys

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If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those
responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and
Washington, D.C. But I'm 50+ now and the Armed Forces says I'm too old to
track down terrorists.  You can't be older than 35 to join the Army.

They've got the whole thing backwards.  Instead of sending 18-year-olds off
to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join
until you're at least 35-years-old.  For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10-seconds.  Old guys
think about sex every 15-seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additional
seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy.  A cranky and
grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier.  If we can't kill the enemy we'll
complain them into submission or surrender.  "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn't go
to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer.  An average
old guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least 126,000 gallons
of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a
backpack on and an M-60 over your shoulder would do wonders for a beer
belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.  Old guys get up early
just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.]  If old guys got
captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we
put them.  In fact; name, rank and serial number would be a real brain
teaser.  If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much be able to get
into the Army without a hitch.

According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam
[officially called an ASVAB], but the simple questions I saw weren't exactly
headache material.  Boot Camp would actually be easier for old guys.  We're
used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food.
We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.  We like them
almost better than naps.  The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course,
however.  I've been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with
a rope hanging over the side.  I can hear the Drill Sergeant now: "Get down
and give me.....er.....one!"  And the running part seems to be a hell of a
waste of good energy.  I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.  Patience is
something most 18-year-olds simply do not have.  For good reason too.  An
18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He's still learning to
shave...to actually carry on a conversation...to learn that a pierced tongue
catches food particles.  And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a
Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.  All great reasons to keep our sons at
home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible
death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who attacked
our country on September 11. The last thing they'd want to see right now
would be a couple of million old guys with attitudes!

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